Thinking New – Someone New

Song of the day: look how high we can fly.

There was a time I had problem with my self image (not that I still don’t fight to keep myself from falling back to that habit). I was never good enough, why couldn’t I do things like others? Why do I always keep to myself? Why was u getting sick far often than others? And why can’t I have a slimmer stature? I had a big complex about everything.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t brilliant, far from it, but being brilliant was not enough if the body carrying the brain doesn’t fit the mold. Too klutzy and slow in other aspects that naturally, I fall back to the only thing I was good at, reading.

When reading, nothing else matters, the characters are too preoccupied with their challenges to notice the reader, lol. It was the only time I liked myself and found peace from other aspects of my life. Since no one would disturb me while reading, it became more of a necessity, an escape than frivolous pursuit.

Then my bubble collapsed and I got more of inferiority complex when I discovered that I couldn’t dress to fit in enough with others, I still look frumpy and fat and no one would give me the time of the day to listen to what I have to say because after reading too much novels, my thought and speech pattern has become very different from others.

Then reading became too small of an escape and I got creative, writing out my thoughts, scenarios and how they will play out. It was too easy to fall into the characters and imagine I was in a different world.

Not prepared to let myself go, I worked hard to fit in enough that would not stick out like a sore thumb. Then I tried adopting a sunny attitude, smile when talking, laugh if I start feeling down, making friends and telling myself everyday that I’m as much important as others even more so to myself. The first few months was like wearing another skin before I got used to it.

I still feel anxious sometimes, but I mask it with a smile. There are times that people would say things that would hurt me or even ignore me which is worse and that would make me revert to who I was before.

But I learned to talk myself out of it and acknowledge that though I am still sensitive and vulnerable on the inside, I’ll make my outside the sunniest personality ever as a block that would make others think twice before hurting me.

It might not be a conventional method but it’s mine. “As a man thinketh, so he is”, I try everyday to think positive thoughts about myself.

You just don’t suddenly become someone new, it is a long and hard process, but it is totally worth it.

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