Song of the day: “life for rent” by Dido.
When we were young, we were full of dreams, what the world would be like, what our lives will be like and what changes would come from us to the world.
Where are those dreams now? Have we forgotten them, have we replaced them or are we still dreaming them all this while?
What happened to making them work? Have we lost our passion to fight for what we want? Or have we realized that we built our dreams on the expectations of others?
I was talking to someone yesterday and she asked me, “do you love yourself?”
On a normal ground, I would say yes without hesitation but the way she asked made me stop to think before I answered, “sure, I do. I love the way I think, my ideas, you know?”
And before she said anything else, I already felt pathetic, is this my life?
She asked, “don’t you love yourself the way you are, everything about you? I know you are self-conscious and care about what everyone else thinks, but you seriously don’t love yourself, do you?”
I didn’t know what to say because the other person there was focused on me by then. Then I said, “I’m still learning to become confident in myself, not to always think about what others will say while still being true to the core of who I am.”
“Who do do you wish to be?”was her next question.
And I didn’t even have to think about it because it is something I wish for everyday, ” I want to be confident and smart and do anything that feels good to me without thinking of other’s views.”
The her question, “what is stopping you from getting there?”made me pause.
The first thing I thought of was the example of those I know who did like that becoming people not worthy of emulation, like getting pregnant premaritally, having bad reputations among others.
The next was responsibilities. What would my younger ones think about my actions? Will they see it as an example of what they should not be like? Will they follow in my footsteps if I happened to make bad decisions? What kind of examples do I want to set?
Then I realized something, I have always wanted approval. I don’t know why but I think the only way I would know if someone ‘sees’ me is when I get approval for something done so I work hard to get approval.
Now that I want to do things my own way, dress the way I’ll like, experiment with relationships and see what all the fuss is about, and live my life in a way that I think would make me happy, I’ll think about these reasons and not go on with it.
It is not as if anyone expects me to be perfect, but I have placed too much importance on the opinion of others over mine to really be who I want to be.
I’m not likely to change right away but I hope to work towards it, do what would make me feel happy and fulfilled and get to love myself more than I do presently. Maybe then, I would really get serious with moving forward and committing to relationships.
It is a new day and a start to getting things right with the road there having its own share of joy, disappointments, the whole thorns and roses. I hope I am strong enough to do what it takes.